I went to therapy today

Funny. Today someone said that they used to read my blog and they were happy I was in a good place professionally. And that made me remember I actually have a blog

I went to therapy today after over a year of not doing so. The last several years were…hard, and I often did not have the money to pay for the co-pay. I do now. I have Kaiser insurance, which is great for routine stuff but not so good for mental health. They are doing better, by trying to have folks on site that can meet with people every other week. I’ll take it.

The last time I saw this therapist, which was also the first time I saw this therapist, I was in a crisis of my own making. I was completely burned out from the semester of teaching, and I was holding on barely. I took a cross-country trip and forgot to bring my medication. I now think I also caught a nasty stomach bug, but I went from depressed to hypomanic to throwing up in the course of 73 hours.

When I got home, I requested of Kaiser that I needed to see someone. They asked me — a doctor? or a therapist? At that point, I didn’t care. Someone who would keep me out of the “hospital.”

My fear of the “hospital” — the quotes are intentional — is my fear that I’m so out of control I can’t help myself. I’ve been hospitalized only once (I say that because I know many folks with bipolar disorder have been hospitalized more than once) but I keenly remember my guilt at leaving my children and my shame at being so broken that I never want to experience it again. The time in the hospital itself was not traumatic — it was lifesaving — but my feelings about it are all associated with shame.

I was ashamed to have left my children. I remember so vividly my daughter, then about 18 months old, running to me as she stepped off the escalator at the hospital calling “mommy!” She’s now 11, and I cannot imagine a similar scene. Today, I embarrass her without doing anything.

But the therapist helped me to understand that I wasn’t in hospital territory. I was afraid of what I might do to myself, but I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live, I just wasn’t sure how to help myself live.

She helped me. I needed to get back on my meds. I needed to give myself a day or two to rebalance. So I decided to continue with her.

And I saw her today.

I won’t go into the things we talked about. Mostly because she touched on something I’m not quite ready yet to share, except to say that I have a strong sense of shame about this. My shame stops me from revealing the source right now, but I’ll be ready soon. Shame is about hating oneself, feeling that I am bad. Which is different from guilt, which is I did something bad.

I am not bad. I am not bad.

I know that in my brain, but I do not know it in my heart, and it is from my heart that I live my life. I am hopeful that this new therapy will help me. I really have very little to lose. I’m tired of being *this close* to depression even thought most folks won’t know because I work SO HARD at not being a burden, at being happy, at hanging out. I want people to like LaToya. And being close to depression all the time does not make me likable.

Damn, which is a problem in and of itself. Why do I need people to like me? TBD.

Sometimes, it Just Rains

They say “when it rains, it pours.” That’s not my experience.

Sometimes it just rains for a really long time. 2009-02-13 17.27.52

You feel like an imposter a work, your kids are acting all kinds of foolish, your spouse feel like they are on a different planet, and the world seems to be under a constant cloud.

IMG_2727

You think it’s letting up. The sun will peek out. 

You say something brilliant at work. Your kid brings home a perfect test score. You and your spouse have a night where…you know. Scientists put out a dire prediction, but it’s so dire that you now think we’re going to do something about it.

And then the rain comes back, gently at first, then more steadily.

That flash of brilliance was just a flash. School calls about another kid who cannot seem to get it together. Your spouse breaks a glass and it feels like he’s breaking your heart. The world is…the world.

Maybe it just mists

The kind of rain that you feel silly pulling out an umbrella for, and the umbrella won’t even work because the mist is everywhere.

You have no choice, if you choose to be outside, to simply let it fall on you while you wait for it to stop. 

 
and then you come inside and have a glass of wine.

I’m Bipolar but I’m Not

Someone who I admire a lot, Bassey Ikpi, has a book coming out next year, “I’m Telling the Truth, but I’m Lying.” (Please pre-order today!) The book of essays resonate deeply with me,  as they come from a black woman who, like me, lives with Bipolar II disorder. She also lives an important aspect of my life, the balance between being healthy, being creative, being a mother, and being an advocate. From the publisher:

Determined to learn from her experiences—and share them with others—Bassey became a mental health advocate and has spent the fourteen years since her diagnosis examining the ways mental health is inextricably intertwined with every facet of ourselves and our lives. Viscerally raw and honest, the result is an exploration of the stories we tell ourselves to make sense of who we are—and the ways, as honest as we try to be, each of these stories can also be a lie.

I often feel like when I’m telling the truth here, when I can tell you today, October 14, 2018, that it was really hard to get up this morning, that it was hard to shower and brush my teeth, that is was really hard to put on my shoes to get out of my house because otherwise I would spend all day in bed — that when I am telling you this truth I am also lying because if that was so hard why isn’t writing this hard? If that was so bad, how do I still have what I have — a great career, a loving husband, three amazing kids (they really do amaze me), friends, family, etc.?

I’ve often had people tell me that they have a hard time believing in my diagnosis. I had a doctor tell me that it was a miracle that I had a third child because women with bipolar simply should not do that. A doctor recently expressed incredulousness at my life — her words, “Well, you must be a genius to have done all of this if your diagnosis is correct.” While I wanted to slap the shit out of her — because who was she, having listened to me for ten minutes, to question my LIFE, my experience? — I started to doubt myself. Maybe you don’t have bipolar II disorder. Maybe you don’t even have depression. Maybe you are just tired. Maybe all of my problems I bring onto myself because I try to do too much.*

Maybe everything I have been saying here and elsewhere is a big lie. Maybe I’m not actually sick, with a life-threatening disorder. Maybe I’m telling you a lie I don’t even know I’m telling.

Or maybe I am a fucking genius.** 

* Which is a symptom of bipolar.

** And this has something to do with Kanye. I’m still working through it.

This is a Story about Coffee

This story will ramble and it does not necessarily have a good narrative arc but it’s been on my heart and I need it to get out.

coffee

This is a story about coffee.

One Saturday afternoon two years ago, my husband and I wanted to get away from our kids. We have three of them, all lovely human beings, but being children, they are needy af. We decided our time out would be about coffee. Again, children necessitated this. We were exhausted. Body and mind.

I love coffee. At my job, at the university, one of the best perks was a coffee machine. Not just a janky little pot, an actual machine that grinds the beans right before brewing. On work days, I would have a cup right when I got in, and again around the 3 o’clock slump. One of the best things about that job was that coffee machine.

Saturday is not a work day, thus my need for coffee needed to be fulfilled at home. In better times, coffee at home was just as good. When I had financial aid money, I bought myself an expresso machine and made lovely soy lattes every morning. When that became burdensome, I invested in a $20 French Roast. When I graduated from my grad program (and my husband dropped my press), my mom bought me a fancy coffee machine. It was the best gift I think I’ve ever received. french press

But times were not better. Times were not even good. Several months before this Saturday afternoon coffee run, on a December Monday, I sat in my office and cried on the phone to a friend about not being able to pay my rent. My tears were about not only my fear that my family would be out on the street, but also about a deep sense of shame. I had a PhD and a law degree from a super-fancy school, I’d had the best professional experience I now counsel my students to take advantage of, and I landed what many consider the best legal academic fellowship. I moved my family from the only home my children knew to a new state in a new city. And my husband left a really good job but was now having a really hard time finding a job.

Thankfully, my friends came through for me, lending me money, sending me care packages. My mom took care of Christmas for the kids. The bill collectors were calling, but my block game on my phone was strong. And my husband finally found a job, at a much lower salary than his previous employment, but a job nevertheless. We weren’t going to be on the street.

But times were still not good. Our budget only allowed a diet of mostly spaghetti. My husband was good at finding the sale meat. I went to the grocery store with a list and a calculator and $100 a week to feed two adults and three children, which was really like feeding four adults and one child. I had a birthday “party” for my four year old with only a party bag of chips,  some oranges, and a homemade cake. I borrowed money from my 9 year old who had money from her birthday. I begged off friends who wanted to hang out because cocktails were not in the budget. Anything besides rent, tuition and groceries were not in the budget.

Roasted_coffee_beansSo on this Saturday, when we wanted coffee, coffee was not in the budget. The budget actually was gone, and we had about 5 days until the paycheck came in. But Dunkin’ Donuts was at the end of our block and coffee was only a $1 a cup. We figured we could find $1, and split the cup.

I hated being broke. I cried all the time thinking about what my children didn’t have, the things I couldn’t have, the financial hoops I was always jumping through, the phone calls I was constantly dodging, watching my credit score flush down the toilet. I hated feeling like I was a failure in spite of all that I’d accomplished, having done everything right, being a good girl, perhaps my only “mistake” was having children young.

But among all that hatred and shame and fear, in that moment, I really just wanted some coffee. So I went to the car to rummage on the floor for coins the kids might have dropped. He went through our pockets for loose change. Our kids watched us dispassionately, like they’d seen us do stranger things.

We found not only one dollar, but two dollars and fifty-five cents.

And so we each got our own cup of coffee, and each with a flavored shot. And even though in better times I can afford to be more discerning in my coffee choices, that day, with two dollars and fifty-five cents, Dunkin’ Donuts coffee was delicious.

To New “Friends” on Facebook and Twitter

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been accepting friend requests from law professors. Folks perhaps that I met on the market, or just colleagues of other professors.

I talk a lot about mental health on here, in particular my own struggle with bipolar II disorder. It’s concerned me a bit to widen my “friends” on here as I’m the most junior of junior scholars. I don’t want me sharing this part of myself with the wider legal academic to mean fewer opportunities going forward.

So many of you who love me have questioned what I do on here, for the same reasons I’ve discussed above. So I have to make a decision. And Ive decided to keep doing what I’m doing. I know there can be professional ramifications. And it’s not that I don’t care. But it’s because it’s too dangerous to not keep doing this.

Over the past 10+ years of being on here and sharing my story and my challenges, at least once a month a friend dms me asking for help for themselves or someone they love. And I’m so happy to do so. This struggle is so often fought in the dark, by ourselves. And it shouldn’t be.

I share my story bc I want ppl to know that what I’ve done is possible even with what I’ve been through and go through. And I have only gotten here through a lot of therapy and medications and reflection. And most importantly, people. People who call me and hug me and love on me. People who help me strategize. People who help me figure out if I should ask for more time on a deadline, or tell me what I need to do to get my kids into school or read my work and put up with my overblown devastation.

But to get there, I have to be honest. Its not me saying “oh I just need to be myself.” There are a lot of other parts of me that I don’t share on here. But this part is important to me. So if there is a law professor on here that will think less of me either for my mental health challenges or because I share them, please unfriend me. No hard feelings.

Me and Fear and Flying

I’m in fear.

Afraid.

Terrified.

Scared.

I’m supposed to be happy, flying, resting on a cloud of gumdrops and jelly beans.

Celebrating.

Elated.

I have a GREAT job, the job I most wanted when I was on the job market.

For the first time in my life, I can go to the grocery store without my calculator.

I am in the midst of writing something I really care about. (This blog post of course I care about, but I mean my professional writing). I don’t ever again have to write about anything I don’t care about.

I have two excellent opportunities to get this piece published in two different forms and in front of key people in my field.  I know how important it is for me to write this first year in the academy. But the deadlines for these two pieces are very tight.

So today I went all in for the first time since moving to LA — I bought a desk and a chair and a printer for home. For ten hours it’s been me and my computer and my freshly printed pages. I must have gotten hungry, but I didn’t eat. I remember feeling tired, but I didn’t sleep.

New projects are exciting and exhilarating. Waiting for expression are all those thoughts and ideas. In my mind’s eye I can see and feel the paper writing itself. Today, I felt it was my job to get it all done, get it all done today.

For some, that type of intensity might be okay. Maybe the most successful and productive people in the academy work that way. It very well might be okay for someone without my history. But it’s not okay for me.

I know what triggers hypomania for me. When I get stuck on one thing, my mind moves faster than my fingertips. I do what I did today — I stop eating. I stop sleeping. I write one sentence over and over again . . . .  the proverbial perfect becomes the enemy of the proverbial good. When I realize I’m moving but not going anywhere, I crash. And then instead of doing too much, I do nothing. I don’t even get out of the bed.

Does not help that guilt on two (or six) feet are chattering in my ears, bursting through the bedroom door ever so often. I’m hearing… mom, mommy, mama . . . “you never go bike riding with us…” (we just got the bikes a few days ago) and “all you do is work…” (actually not for like the last month) and “I’ve hardly seen you all day…” (that’s because you’ve been in your room watching YouTube with your headphones on, but I’m the one who is ignoring everyone?)… 

My mind is talking too . . .  “if you don’t get it out right now, you’ll lose it” . . . “you know you have a lot of prove, right?” . . . “don’t make these people regret hiring you” . . . “you’re black and a woman and a mom and you have to work harder and longer” and my mind is so much quicker than my kids and I can’t think of any good comebacks.  

I’m being tested. I’ve been here before. Every other time I’ve been here — finishing my dissertation, writing my job talk paper — I’ve engaged in unhealthy behavior and habits. I did work all day. I did forget to eat. I did not exercise. And I let those kids guilt me about not spending enough time with them.

I want to say “not this time.” I want to be just strong enough to know that the idea that’s been there for months won’t disappear overnight. I want to be strong enough to know that I do have more to prove, but I’ve been proving myself my entire life. I want to be strong enough to know that I didn’t get this job by the skin of my teeth. I want to be strong enough to know that kids believe the world revolves around them…and it really truly does not.

I don’t know if I’m that strong yet. I do not know. But instead of working on that paper, I’m writing here. Instead of working, I’m about to paint my toes. Instead of working I’m going to take a long shower and watch Law and Order and eat ice cream.  

And right now, at this moment, perhaps as they felt my energy calm down, as I write this, my three amigos are quietly sitting at the base of my bed, happy to be in my orbit, watching Beat Shazam. And I’ve come in second place as I played on my phone.

As it should be.

The Day of No Shame

(I usually don’t post two things in one day, but I forgot about putting this here.)

#NoShameDay

Before the day is over, I wanted to recommit myself to having zero shame about my mental health struggles. I have Biploar II disorder, which means less intense manic episodes than Bipolar I disorder, but often even deeper depressions than those with Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar I. I was diagnosed in 2009 after over ten years of battling what I thought was “just” depression. The diagnosis came after spending a week in the psychiatric ward at Stanford hospital, after I had a hypomanic episode followed by a deep depression and suicidal thoughts. I was in the middle of the second year of my joint degree.

Since then, I’ve had other deep depressions with suicidal thoughts. I’ve done intensive outpatient therapy where I went to group sessions every day. The last time I was 9 months pregnant with my third child, attending sessions up until I went into labor. I’ve seen over ten therapists over 20 years. I take 3 mood stabilizers/ anti-psychotic medicines every day to stay stable. I’ve persevered.

Part of that effort has been doing this on here: refusing to allow myself to be ashamed. Of course, many days I do feel ashamed. I’m so sad that I don’t do things with my kids, I feel bad when I sleep more than I “should,” when the papers aren’t coming out right or I have an off day teaching. Right now, I’m lonely on the inside even with so many lovely folks coming out to support me here in LA. That sucks and I feel silly and I feel ashamed. Most people don’t have anywhere near the support I do.

But I remind myself — and I’m reminding you — that mental illness is that — an illness. I have nothing to be ashamed about. I didn’t choose this. It’s not a part of my character. But it has made me more determined to stay healthy. And to have a passion to help others who are struggling.

#NoShameDay