she’s probably better off :(

there is the possibility that my baby can start day care next week. she wasn’t supposed to start until late january. my day care, M, is a family day care, and she can only care for a certain number of children within age brackets. so AR was going to start when my son turned two. but now another child may be leaving so she might be able to start next week.

this makes me happy and sad. happy because i generally don’t get anything done when i am home with AR. she likes to be held, so for the most part i’m on the internet or watching tv when we are together. i think i am really productive when i’m alone, so having that time back will be wonderful. but i’m sad i guess for the reasons many mothers are sad when their kids go to day care. i’ll miss her terribly. we’ve had 14 weeks together, on top of the nine+ months and have created a special bond.

she has this great smile and laugh that she seems to only pull out for me. she loves me, and i know it, and it feels SO good. sending her to day care means that i’ll only get a few hours with her everyday, and that time has to be shared with her brother. i remember feeling like this with my son, who was cared for by his grandmother after 8 weeks. i was so afraid that he was going to love her more than me because he spent more time with her. and for a few months, i felt like he did. although now, we have a beautiful relationship and he definitely knows who mommy is. so i know that i’m being a bit irrational, but, still.

it’s so hard to allow someone else to care for your children, even when you know that they are better off with the other person than with you. i mean, M LOVES little children and takes such wonderful care of them, doing all kinds of projects and things that little kids like to do. i’m not like that. i like my kids, but not all little kids, and i wouldn’t be doing art projects and whatnot every day either. they are also learning how to interact with other children, and my son’s vocabulary skyrocketed after he started going to day care. it’s great socialization.

all this is to say that if i am a little absent next week it’s because i’m in mourning. but i know i’ll get over it. i just never knew a love like the love i have for those two little people.

4 thoughts on “she’s probably better off :(

  1. I was a stay-at-home mom for a year before going back to school. When I first started, I had a recurring nightmare in which an errant gang of eigenvalues were trying to steal my daughter.

    I had to climb to the top of a matrix to get away. It was horrible.


  2. i haven’t taken any upper level math classes yet, so i had to look up eigenvalues. due to my newfound knowledge, that does sound horrifying.


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