gloom and doom

Sunday night I experienced the worst mental and physical symptoms I have ever felt in my life, and I thought I was going to die. It’s no surprise that I suffer from mental illness, exactly what I’m still not sure. Major Depressive Disorder is the old standby, but I’m starting to think it may be a bit more. But I digress.

I was started on a new medication exactly one week ago. I was in such a bad place that I just took it without reading about it, and without throroughly discussing the possible side effects. Boy, I wish I would have. Never, ever, ever take  something that you don’t know what it’s going to do to you.

I spent Sunday feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin. I couldn’t take the noise of being in the car with my kids – it felt like their sounds were actually entering my body. I’ve always said it’s one thing to not feel safe in your external environments. But when you are not safe in your own body, you have a serious problem. And that problem took me to the ER.

Sparing all the details, they diagnosed me with akathisia, which according to Wikipedia:

is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of “inner” restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless…Akathisia may range in intensity from a mild sense of disquiet or anxiety (which may be easily overlooked) to a total inability to sit still, accompanied by overwhelming anxiety, malaise, and severe dysphoria (manifesting as an almost indescribable sense of terror and doom)…High-functioning patients have described the feeling as a sense of inner tension and torment or chemical torture.

It was AWFUL. I really thought I was going to die. Thank God the psychiatrist knew what do to, based on the new drug I had recently started taking, which had nasty side effects all week (I’ve lost 7 pounds due to the naseau, sleepiness and restlessness…) Wandering through the maze and puzzle of mental illness SUCKS. I would not wish any of this on my worst enemy.

9 thoughts on “gloom and doom

  1. that sounds horrible! sending good thoughts for regaining your good health… let me know if i could be of any help…


  2. I’m really sorry. One of my greatest fears in life is mental illness and I do have a family history of serious problems (such as schizophrenia) in my dad’s side of the family. I’ll be praying and thinking of you.


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