letter to my firstborn

Dear Big A,

I don’t know what today’s challenge is, but today, you, my baby, turned five. You, Big A, don’t know how much you changed my life; you, Big A, don’t know how eternally grateful I am that you made me a mommy. I wrote about your birth here, here, and here. Even though when I was pregnant with you I went through what had to be the worst depression of my life, I made it through because of you. You were my life line.

Things haven’t been easy these past five years. I’ve been diagnosed with BiPolar II disorder, where I get these amazing bursts of energy and then crash so low. The energies, as I call them, used to be exhilarating and productive, but lately they’ve become anxiety-ridden and caustic, angry and pulsating. The crashes are what they’ve always been – empty, so empty that it feels as if no amount of sadness or tears could fill the space, no matter how hard I try.

But the past five years have been a time of success as well. Although I sunk low, I came back up. As a family, we have a foundation in God, and we rely on that daily. When I get stressed, I remember that we live a charmed life. We have a solid roof over our heads, always food on the table, and you children are blessed to have the nature of inquisitiveness and curiosity that is content with paper, glue and scissors.

Big A, you are a wonderful boy. You are friendly and kind. You love your sister, and protect her. I’ve seen you challenge children on the playground when they take toys from her. Yet you are not too nice to her – you’ll take toys from her yourself! That doesn’t make you unkind; it just makes you a normal big brother 🙂 Right now, at five, you are writing words and reading books. You ask what everything says, from the words on the cereal box to the words on my computer screen. You love watching movies over and over again. We’ve taken the training wheels off your bike – last weekend you rode without them in the grass. You can play video games – Super Mario Brothers is your favorite, followed by bowling and Nick Fit for the Wii. You love to eat corndogs and Honey Nut Cheerios. You sing to yourself as you go along your daily tasks and your favorite artist is none other than the late great King of Pop, Michael Jackson.

I started keeping this blog a month before your second birthday. Then I wrote about your dancing skills. They are still … okay. We’re still working on those!

There’s a song that I want to sing to you. It’s a love song, and like most love songs, they are generally not about parental love. But I think it accurately reflects how much I love you, Big A. What I would do without you….the heavens only know.