whenever i get really busy with school stuff, i check out a bit at home.
it’s not right, its not fair, but it’s what happens. i had to get my dissertation proposal done. it’s like, a huge deal. it’s what i need to do to get out of here. it is the bar, the hoop to jump through. after this, it’s done. i just have to do it. it’s the most important procedural thing i have to do to get my phd. and i’m still taking classes. yes, i go to class every day. i still have to take exams. i’m not like most in my cohort, who sit and write all day. no, i’m listening in lecture, reading and whatnot. i’m not the average phd student.
so at home, i’m not washing dishes. i’m not washing clothes. i’m not bathing children. they may not see me at night. right now. i can’t keep my mind straight about everything. i just can’t do it. but that’s just right now. over the summer, i had them all day. except two afternoons a week, it was them and i. all damn day.
so when the insinuations start flying like i’m not doing my part, not doing my job just in general, i get mad. i am doing my job. i’m a full-time fucking student. and i still go to the preschool co-ops twice a effing week. i still take them to school every damn day. i’m the one filling out the kindergarten forms. fuck if i’m not fulfilling my responsibilities as a mother. i coordinated the birthday party. i do that shit.
it’s hard being a gradmommy. i’m not perfect. but even when i’m not at my best, i’m doing the damn thing. piss on anyone who thinks otherwise.