25 to 30

In 25 days, on March 17th, I will be 30 years old. For so many reasons, this birthday is especially important to me. The most important reason being that I never imagined that I’d reach here.

When I say that, I mean it both literally and sort of existentially; literally there have been times in my almost 30 years, from perhaps 12 years old, where I did not like I would live to see another year. Depression had such a grip on my psyche that the next day seemed an impossibility, let alone my 30th year. And because of that, on an metaphysical level, I don’t think I’ve ever truly allowed myself to think too far ahead, to imagine a “me” too much ahead of the “me” that exists now. When people ask: where do you see yourself in 1, 5, and 10 years, I hesitate and stumble. One year I think I can do but 5? 10? I don’t have dreams or goals or plans that far in advance because my experience tells me that depression and bipolar can wreck havoc on the most sincere and the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

So I never dreamed about what my life would look like when I turned 30. And ultimately, I suppose it’s a good thing because I don’t have any pre-set ideal against which to judge where I am except that when I was 12 and 16 and 21 and 28 I didn’t think I would be here and I am. I am still standing. When you take away all the accomplishments, the awards, the accolades, the degrees, the status, the relationships, all of it, what remains is that I am still here. It may be hard for you all to understand the magnitude of that but to me, that is all that really matters.

I’ve had one birthday party in my life, the one when I turned one-year-old. I hope to have one this year… (hint, hint, wink, wink). But I do want to commemorate this for myself, I do want to have something that says that I was here, that I made it here. So I think over the next 25 days I am going to share a little about me, about my life, about my 30 years, about what makes me “me.”

I hope in doing so, I don’t just recount what I already know. I want to learn something about myself, learn something to help me grow. I don’t want the next 30 years to be like the last 30 years. I’ve pretty much led these 30 years by the seat of my pants, flitting to whatever next feels right, not really planning for anything, fanagling my way into where I want to be. It’s got me to good places, no doubt. But it’s left me emotionally wasted, physically in shambles.

I hope that you’ll question me, push me, interrogate me. Make me cry. Make me angry. Make me virtually cuss you out. But make me think. Make me question. Make me surrender. I want to live differently, live better, be better. They say it takes 21 days to change a bad habit. I have 25.

4 thoughts on “25 to 30

  1. 10 years stand between us. I was 30 when I had my first baby.

    OK, I will try to think of more questions, in the coming 25 days, but let’s start with a handful:

    Nowadays, many (most?) women wait until well after 30 to have children, how do you feel about having become a mother earlier than that? (I, personally, think it’s great)

    You told us you haven’t had birthday parties, but haven’t you had any other kinds of birthday “celebrations” over the years?

    Can you see ahead now? How many years into the future? Do you think of how your kids will be as teens and young adults?

    I think you already discussed this, but has having children made a difference in your will to live?

    Like

  2. Ill embark on the journey with you….

    Since it has been hard for you to plan ahead.. How had that impacted your decision making for your childrens future? With what you know now what would your advice be to your children? What would you say to a ywenty five yr old women today??

    Like

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