Bye Bye Baby

The fact of the matter is I want to have another baby.

The truth of the matter is you don’t always get what you want.

But I do.

I don’t know personal limitations. I really don’t get them. Every school I’ve ever applied to, I’ve gotten in. College, law school, grad school – never been rejected. People said I was crazy to go to grad school with two kids in a place with no family but I – we – did it and thrived. I do not quite get the word “no.” Believe me, I heard it a lot in my childhood; I’m not entitled in a spoiled brat sort of way. But I have always questioned the traditional way of doing things and lived my life up to this point as if I am unstoppable and almost certainly invincible. If it hasn’t killed me (literally) it will and can only make me stronger.

But what I cannot figure out is if that is the “true” me or the bipolar or if there is a difference between the two. Am I justified in living this way or is this the illness talking. Is this want to have another baby, despite the craziness that is already my life a true gut feeling that one should follow or the emotions of a faulty, ingrained pattern of thinking that stems from chemical imbalances. I hate the way people act like I must have superhuman skills to do what I do now. Will I be able to resist and not internalize what they’ll say if I get pregnant again. Especially the ones that know about the hospital?

I’m a good mother. I believe that. I believe that my heart is aching to expand to receive another child into this family, this family we’ve created that is just bursting with love. But there would have to be a lot of changes to make a baby happen. I’d have to stop some of my medications. The risk of having an episode while pregnant is really high. Breastfeeding is another area of uncertainty; if I need to go back on the meds, then it’s not an option. The kids I already have are getting older and their schedules will get busier. Hubby wants to advance in his career now. I don’t know if he is 100% down. Of course, of he’s not, then no baby right now. Compromise is not one of my strengths.

But if not now, when. I’m 30. Eggs get old. Why do people ask why am I not happy with the two I already have. Where is this ache coming from?

3 thoughts on “Bye Bye Baby

  1. There’s so much here that confuses. You say you don’t get limits, and yet there’s a reference to a time when you did, in fact, hit your limit. You say that you are all thriving, but you refer to your life as crazy. You say if hubby is not 100% down, then there is no baby. But in the next breath, you say you don’t compromise well. 100% is not about compromise. Just some observations; I suppose the conflict in the post reflects the conflict in your heart…

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    1. I think you are right. And the conflict, or as I see it, contradictions, may never be resolved. Craziness, to me, doesn’t “feel” crazy – it’s just what everyone else says about my life. When I say 100% down about having a baby, I mean I don’t want him to not be 100% wanting to have a baby; I don’t want him to have any reservations. I don’t know what you mean when you say 100% is not about compromise. When I say I don’t get limits, I guess I mean I don’t get having something that I want in my head and not getting it. There was a time when I worked myself too hard and crashed. But then I was just overdoing things that I didn’t need to do; I was hypomanic, using energy for energy’s sake. I mean more of the idea that if I want something, I’ve always been able to get it and have it. Right now I’m in a place where I feel mentally stable, at least not hypomanic, but am having a hard time understanding if making a major life change is a product of old habits of possibly overdoing it, or a genuine and legitimate feeling/need.

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  2. You know, I wonder sometimes about my motivation when I comment in response to your posts on this topic in particular. Am I commenting out of jealousy–jealousy that you don’t seem to feel limits, while I am so very aware of my own? Jealousy that you’re eager to have 3 babies, when I can barely contemplate 2? Or am I motivated by genuine concern over a friend; worry that a established balance could be so quickly disrupted for the worse? Sometimes, friends comment in response to their own internal struggles; sometimes friends see things from the outside that you don’t. I suppose everyone has to figure that out for themselves. If “crazy,” however, is a label others put on you that you know doesn’t fit, I encourage you to refuse to put it on yourself, and to tell friends–myself included–to eff of! 😉

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