The fact of the matter is I want to have another baby.
The truth of the matter is you don’t always get what you want.
But I do.
I don’t know personal limitations. I really don’t get them. Every school I’ve ever applied to, I’ve gotten in. College, law school, grad school – never been rejected. People said I was crazy to go to grad school with two kids in a place with no family but I – we – did it and thrived. I do not quite get the word “no.” Believe me, I heard it a lot in my childhood; I’m not entitled in a spoiled brat sort of way. But I have always questioned the traditional way of doing things and lived my life up to this point as if I am unstoppable and almost certainly invincible. If it hasn’t killed me (literally) it will and can only make me stronger.
But what I cannot figure out is if that is the “true” me or the bipolar or if there is a difference between the two. Am I justified in living this way or is this the illness talking. Is this want to have another baby, despite the craziness that is already my life a true gut feeling that one should follow or the emotions of a faulty, ingrained pattern of thinking that stems from chemical imbalances. I hate the way people act like I must have superhuman skills to do what I do now. Will I be able to resist and not internalize what they’ll say if I get pregnant again. Especially the ones that know about the hospital?
I’m a good mother. I believe that. I believe that my heart is aching to expand to receive another child into this family, this family we’ve created that is just bursting with love. But there would have to be a lot of changes to make a baby happen. I’d have to stop some of my medications. The risk of having an episode while pregnant is really high. Breastfeeding is another area of uncertainty; if I need to go back on the meds, then it’s not an option. The kids I already have are getting older and their schedules will get busier. Hubby wants to advance in his career now. I don’t know if he is 100% down. Of course, of he’s not, then no baby right now. Compromise is not one of my strengths.
But if not now, when. I’m 30. Eggs get old. Why do people ask why am I not happy with the two I already have. Where is this ache coming from?