open closed book

When I started blogging, I chose to be pseudonymous, but not anonymous. Anyone reading this now on facebook know who I am, and if you are reading this on the site, you can visit my about page and quickly find my name, where I go to school, and google your way to my whole life. I chose a pseudonym because I think it’s fun, as as OW says, it’s nice that this blog or others where I write or comment do not automatically show up in search engines. You have to really be digging to find this if you don’t know what you are looking for. There is a certain amount of protection in that.

But not being anonymous means that there isn’t much privacy or room for secrecy in what goes on here. Whatever I chose to share, I must share honestly, and with integrity because there are so many people who can check me on inaccuracies. Even more than that, for me, my character is on the line. Everything I write and put into the universe can be tracked back to me. Every opinion, every story, every biting remark can be attributed to me and brought back to who I am as a person.

This works for me, because I live my life in the open. I’m not perfect and don’t strive to be. But I do strive to be a good person. I strive to not embarrass myself and not do embarrassing things. I strive to think before I act. And I strive to be honest at all times.

But even so, there are things I cannot write about, things that involve other people who don’t lives as open as I do. People who would be very upset with me if I wrote about their lives, even if it’s how their actions are affecting me.

In principle, I don’t care. The principle being that our lives are not as private as we think they are or as we want them to be. What happens in the dark doesn’t stay there anymore. People have learned, often the very hard way, that with technology, what you believed to be private communications, rendezvous, trysts, one-night-stands, etc., were actually one push of a send button away from the whole world watching, listening, and knowing all about it. And it’s not just the rich and powerful that are subject to this. Non-powerful people have long understood this; there are daily radio programs were people on the radio, for example, calling out people who have done them wrong!

And one day, I plan to write a memoir, to write my story of my life. Of course, other people will be discussed because we don’t live in a vacuum. And when I go to write that book, nothing will be off limits, no feelings will be spared, no topics will be considered taboo. It’s my story. They are just characters.

But for now, I will not talk about other people close to me because I do not want to hurt them, despite how they might be hurting me. I respect their feelings, even while I don’t respect their right to “privacy” in order to protect the things they don’t want other people to know about, those things they are ashamed about, things they wouldn’t do if they knew others were watching. I will respect our relationship, even while I don’t respect feeling censored.

My open book has locked chapters. I’m writing one right now.

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