untitled

I’ve been down this road too many times to even recount. When I’m here, it feels morbidly comfortable and I can’t remember what it’s like to not be here. Honestly, I can’t remember anything.

My mind is in a fuzz, like it’s been caught in the briars of the cotton plant. I can’t concentrate; read anything other than the Bible and the words swirl and the meaning is completely lost. My head feels like the heaviest coffee table book, and the only place it feels right is laying on my pillow, in my bed. In fact, the only place I feel right is in my bed. Getting out of it is a chore.

I’m so disappointed in myself. How am I ever going to accomplish anything if I can’t beat this illness? If every time I try to do something, it rears its ugly, nasty head and knocks me back down? All I wanted was another baby. That’s all. Why is that too much?

I tried to come off of the meds, all the way. But I couldn’t. I feel like such an idiot, one for believing it was possible, and two for not being able to do it. It’s a catch-22, you see? I’m sick, I have an illness that’s serious, an illness that could kill me, an illness that almost did and so I know its a formidable enemy. But still – I’m strong, right? I’m smart, right? And getting off the meds is what’s best for my baby, right? But I can’t do it AND I’m still depressed. And for that, I feel like a total failure. #FAIL

And it’s not just this baby that needs me – what about Ahmir and Amina? Why is He not protecting me? Not protecting my baby? Not protecting my children? I’ve been reading Job lately and I understand that this illness is not His doing but He could take it away and I just want to know why He won’t take it from me. What do I have to do? How much do I have to pray?  How many times can I surrender before He will hear me?

I know this illness makes me so much more critical of myself than I should be. I know that. But I am so fearful that I will NEVER be okay. That I will NEVER lead the life I want to live. That when I’m a professor, provided I get out of grad school, that this is going to get me again, and how can you not go and teach your classes? That I’ve worked so hard and sacrificed so much that it doesn’t matter because I won’t be able to sustain it. That the right conclusion is what’s the point because no matter what I do, I can’t beat it.

It will always win. What am I supposed to do with that?

6 thoughts on “untitled

  1. Saying a prayer for you Toya. I don’t know the answers that you seek. But I do know that you are very strong. And I also know that if any of us was whole, then none of us would seek God. 2 Cor 12:9 states that His grace is enough, and that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I know that He hears you and He has provided. I also want to say thank you for being open to sharing your life through your blog. My mother has bipolar and fibromyalgia. It is something that is not discussed at all in my family. So thank you for sharing your journey through your blog.
    In addition, it doesn’t always win. You do, through the grace of God. Because even as you feel weak as this moment, you’ve made an impact on the life of an old classmate. I trust and believe that God is protecting your children during this difficult time. Praying that you and your family are surrounded with love and understanding on this day.

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  2. Hey Toya…
    I wish I could say something deep or soothing to make you feel better, but words fail me.
    What I can do is remind you that you are MORE THAN A CONQUEROR through Him who loves you. You may not feel like conquering right now. You may feel like lying in the bed and crying. And you know what? That’s okay! Even while you cry, you are more than a conqueror. Because you are bold enough to acknowledge your feelings while it would be much easier to cover and hide, you are more than a conqueror. Because you are alive and able to fight another day, you are more than a conqueror.
    None of us knows how long we have here or what will be our undoing. But you are making a difference every single day in the lives of your children, family, and friends. You are making your life count by sharing it so selflessly in this blog, on your FB page, and with the people you see everyday. I am not a doctor, nor do I know what’s going on with you medically. But I can feel your strength from here, and I know that strength will carry you into the next moment…and the next moment…and the next, until you look back at however many minutes, days, weeks, and years have gone by and marvel at how far He’s brought you because you dared to trust Him.
    Again, I don’t know what you’re going through. But as someone who has been so depressed that she had to leave two different colleges in five years, I know that sometimes the best you can do is breathe. So get yourself comfortable, close your eyes, and just breathe your way through it. You can do it, Toya, because you’re doing it right now.
    Be blessed and encouraged.
    Love,
    Denise

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  3. It’s not about being smart or strong. Would you think that if you had cancer or diabetes or stroke? Only with brain illnesses do we think that somehow we are supposed to be able to “think” our way out of it, which is very odd given that it is our brain and thinking and feelings that are impacted by this illness. You can no more think your way or power your way through a mental/brain illness than through plaque in your arteries or insufficient insulin. Would you feel a failure if you had breast cancer that came back after treatment? Of course not. And you are not a failure now. You are an ill person bravely addressing a real illness (not a possession by the devil or a failure of willpower but a real, medical condition) that many people still think is a matter of will or decision. This is not your fault and it is not a choice.

    That said, you have choices about how you handle being sick. For good reasons you decided to try a break from medication but it was not the right course and now you are back on. It will take time to titer up again and so you feel badly for a couple of weeks. You should stay in close touch with your doctors during this time because you are vulnerable as you get your medication readjusted. Once that happens, you will feel better again. As you feel today is not how you will feel always and forever. It is just a feeling and feelings pass.

    You have a lot to look forward to and many people who love you, including me. Don’t mistake how you feel today for how it will be forever. And if you need to go to the hospital, go.

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  4. You are protected, Toya. You are protected by a circle of people who love you, who are praying for you, and will respond to you when you reach out (and even when you don’t!). Like AE, I send out my love to you.

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