I woke up this morning with a pulsing of my heart. Something unsettling, so unsettling that the beating of the shower water simply intensified the feeling as the water beat upon my chest.
I’ve been suffering from anxiety for about a month now. I wake each morning with this trembling, this fear of nothing, this foreboding of something bad happening, although I can’t say what. I dream of car accidents, of my brakes failing, of driving in the dark and hitting someone. When I’m awake, I worry about nothing, and then find I can do nothing. The though of making lunch or packing the baby’s bag fills me with such a feeling of stress that I feel paralyzed. Today, I push through, but only barely.
My husbands presence calms me. He is strong and stable and most importantly, understanding. His love is security. When he’s around, I can rest in his strength.
This morning, he was a bit late to work to stay with me to get the kids out the door and to school on time. We had lunch together, because in times like this he makes sure that I eat. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I’m another child he has to worry about. And then of course that makes me worry more.
Today, I made no progress on the dissertation. I got up to take my kids to school, and after the baby was picked up, I took an anti-anxiety pill. I’m thinking I need a different med, because this one makes me sleepy, and does nothing for the actual anxiety when I’m awake. I got up to eat lunch with my hubby, just some soup, and then went back home to take the mini me to two hours of dance class. I’m writing this as I sit there.
So what do I do?
Psalm 31:2 —
Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
Be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.