ABD #8: Wait

Wait with expectation
Wait with anticipation
I will worship you lord
While I wait

Honestly, guys, when I started this series I promise it wasn’t going to be about depression and bipolar and anxiety. It was going to be about how I got through the year, in hopes that others reading this would gain some perspective or even just find community with other folks who are also dissertating, maybe raising families, maybe dealing with some issues. I did not expect the first week to be, well, so lacking in dissertating.

I suppose I should provide a little context and background. I have bipolar 2, which is like what most folks know about bipolar, but my highs are not as high but my lows are typically much lower. Short story is that when I got pregnant with Baby A I went off most of my meds. And I did great. During my last trimester things got rocky, but I was able to get through it with a daily group program. After he was born, I stayed on as little meds as possible because breast-feeding was so important to me.

About three months ago, I stopped nursing, and about a month ago, I found myself slipping down. And I’m still slipping.

I’ve never stayed this low before when I’ve been on my meds. But this time we keep going up without any relief. My doctor told me today that it is because prior to my pregnancy, I had 4 years of meds in my system. By being off the meds for more than 2 years, I had nothing to support me when the inevitable cycle began again. So now I’m building up, only over a month or so, what I had taken 4 years to get to. So while in the past just a little increase In the meds would make a hug difference, now I have to just wait for the build up again, which has to be slow because of all the side effects.

So now I’m just in a day to day survival mode. My doctor asked me if I thought I needed to be in the hospital. I told her no. I’m not suicidal, and I have promised myself that I will never leave my children like that again. She asked about the day program. Honestly, I’ve done so much therapy that I don’t think I’ll get anything out of it. She asked me if I’d been to church.

I said no. Cause I’m seriously mad at God. I want him to work on my schedule, to heal me and bring me relief right now because this whole depression and anxiety thing is really effing inconvenient.
I can’t stand to be in his house right now.

But…all that being said, I did work for an hour today coding an interview. I went to the doctor. I fed my kids. I ate a bit myself. I took my son to tae kwon do. I did the nightly reading, tonight being “Frog and Toad Are Friends” and “Goodnight goodnight construction site.”

And tomorrow I’ll try again. While I’m waiting.

2 thoughts on “ABD #8: Wait

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