The theme for BlogHer’s October NaBloPoMo is “Crunch.” It’s quite fitting for me, because all I feel is crunched these days.
crunch (verb): crush (a hard or brittle foodstuff) with the teeth, making a loud but muffled grinding sound; synonyms: munch, chomp, bite into
Yup, that’s how I feel. Bitten into. Chomped. Munched. Crunched.
My dad used to keep fish in these giant fish tanks. Every now and again, he’d get a new fish and add him to the crew. Sometimes, the old fish didn’t like that. They were very territorial. So little by little, they’d start to eat the new fish. Just take little bites out of him. And he would try to get away from them, but as he got eaten, he’d lose the strength to do so. Until one day, he’s floating at the top of the tank, and pieces of him are floating toward the bottom.
I feel like that new fish.
When I wake up in the morning, still dazed from my medications, I feel crunched. As I drive my car, fighting traffic and time to get to work, I feel crunched. When I fight the stares of the men on the street and in the subway, I feel crunched. When I fight traffic and time to get home to read to my kids, I feel crunched. When they see me and jump on me, as much as I love it, I still feel crunched. I feel like so little is left of me for me that I’m just floating sometimes, lifeless, while everyone gets all the little pieces of me.
I thought that after getting this education and working hard I would feel free to be in my fish tank, doing what I want to do, really just being left alone the way I like it. But now I realize I’m in someone else’s world, playing by someone else’s rules.
But I’m not going to be that fish that gets eaten by the other fish. Nope, won’t be me. I am going to start taking a little bit of me back, bit by bit.