Doing my current job is a stretch for me. A big stretch. I’ve been a student for the past eight years, all of my children’s lives. I’ve made my own rules, for the most part, especially with regard to how I spent my time. When I needed a break, I took it. When I was in the hospital, my “job” was still there.
Now, when I need a day off, I have to worry about someone else’s needs. I have to coordinate. When I want to get some lunch, I have to tell someone. When I just need to have a good cry, I don’t have anywhere to go.
And sometimes, I have to wear a suit.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a great job doing interesting work. My coworkers and my boss are nice and I’m learning a lot that will e helpful to me in the future. My problem is really all about the logistics. Not about the work, but how the work has to get done. Like, right now, it’s 8:07 and I’m on a train going towards home and my kids are in the bed at eight and I have to leave my house at seven tomorrow morning.
Sleep is imperative when you have bipolar disorder. And you want to be a good mom. And a good wife. And when work is not the most import thing to you.
And on top of that, sometimes I have to wear a suit.
There are so many things that I wish I could just have without paying the dues. Honestly, I felt the same about being pregnant. The end result is awesome. But every time, my depressions were so low. I was non functional until the day those babies came out. Same thing with working out. I’d love to look like Beyoncé, but the work it takes to do that? Not really my thing.
Pregnancy doesn’t suit me. Nor does dieting or (vigorous) exercising. And neither do nine to fives.
But, you do them because you want the outcome. Again, please don’t think I’m complaining (although, i know, I kinda am. Ok, I really am.) But I do like my job, just like I love my babies. The job would be perfect…if it was a 10 minute walk from my house and I could wear yoga pants and take extended breaks as long as I get my work done. And why can’t I just think about being in shape and it happen?