I’m Here, I Exist

When I tell someone I have bipolar 2 disorder, the shock that comes across his or her face often takes me aback. If they know me, their shock is a tad annoying. What does me saying I have bipolar disorder change for them? What does the admission trigger in their mind about what someone with bipolar […]

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In the Darkness

When I am in a depression, my comfort comes once the sun goes down. The day seems unbearable and so I spend it simply waiting for the darkness. That’s what I did today. I had options to leave my house in the afternoon, but chose not to. Tried to paint, but lost the inspiration once […]

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Break Time

I’ve decided to give myself a little break. No dissertation work, or even thoughts about the dissertation. A dissertation vacation you might say. Why? Because I don’t want to end up in the hospital again, away from my family. Because I don’t want to have a miserable year, caught in a slump that has me […]

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ABD #19: Daily Bread

Hi. It’s been a minute (well five days.) I really wanted this to be every day, not counting weekends, but that’s too much to expect of myself. So it will be regular, but not necessarily daily. And that’s okay (says the reformed perfectionist). The depression has lifted. Thank God. I don’t feel constantly pulled underwater […]

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ABD #13? The Tyranny of CVS

Me and CVS (or more properly, CVS and I) have a tenuous relationship. They often don’t have what I want, especially when it comes to my prescriptions. As someone who lives on meds in order to survive, this relationship is hardly convenient. But they are so ubiquitous, and I enjoy convenience (i.e. I can’t do a […]

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ABD #9: The Creativity Cure

I picked up a new book at the bookstore the other day while my daughter looked for a book for a birthday party. It’s called “The Creativity Cure” and while it’s based on psychoanalysis (which I don’t really need) and is for those with mild to moderate depression (which is not me – I’m in […]

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ABD #8: Wait

Wait with expectation Wait with anticipation Wait I will worship you lord While I wait Honestly, guys, when I started this series I promise it wasn’t going to be about depression and bipolar and anxiety. It was going to be about how I got through the year, in hopes that others reading this would gain […]

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ABD #6: the best part is Ice cream

My day: 9:30 am wake up 9:55 am drive to soccer game 10:30 am — 12:30 cheer on daughter at soccer 1:00 pm nap 2:30 pm doctors appointment 3pm nap 7 pm encourage children to go to bed 8:30 pm 10:00 pm bed Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks.

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ABD Day #3: Psalm

I woke up this morning with a pulsing of my heart. Something unsettling, so unsettling that the beating of the shower water simply intensified the feeling as the water beat upon my chest. I’ve been suffering from anxiety for about a month now. I wake each morning with this trembling, this fear of nothing, this […]

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ABD Day #1: Got to Keep On Goin’ On

So I’ve got to keep on moving on This first day was more productive than I anticipated, despite some early challenges. Challenge #0 is every day’s challenge: The 17-month-old and his 6:30 a.m. wake-up poop. Challenge #1: I woke with a racing heart and upset stomach. That’s my version of anxiety. It’s physical and never-ending. […]

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