the times you let your children down

I work crazy long hours. The hours aren’t actually crazy, but since my commute is 1.5 hours each way, it feels crazy. I see my children in the morning before they go to school (had to work my way into that flexibility) and then for an hour or so when I get home before they […]

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In the Beginning

I was a sensitive child. I felt every emotion like a tsunami, full blast. I was a crier. Every emotion burst through tears. In my generation, I feel as though unless the emotion was not joy, children were not really allowed to have negative emotions. As I’ve heard from countless peers, expressing displeasure with your […]

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I’m Here, I Exist

When I tell someone I have bipolar 2 disorder, the shock that comes across his or her face often takes me aback. If they know me, their shock is a tad annoying. What does me saying I have bipolar disorder change for them? What does the admission trigger in their mind about what someone with bipolar […]

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NaBloPoMo – October 5: Crunches

Note: I’m participating in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo for October. Goal is to post every day this month. I’ve missed two days, but I’m getting back on track! There are two areas in my life where I have very little confidence.  This is surprising to many people, because I don’t come off as a person who suffers (much) from a […]

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NaBloPoMo – Day 2: Crunched

The theme for BlogHer’s October NaBloPoMo is “Crunch.” It’s quite fitting for me, because all I feel is crunched these days. crunch (verb):  crush (a hard or brittle foodstuff) with the teeth, making a loud but muffled grinding sound; synonyms: munch, chomp, bite into Yup, that’s how I feel. Bitten into. Chomped. Munched. Crunched.

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The Kids Will Be All Right

The kids will be all right. The kids will be alright. The kids will be all right. I’m trying to convince myself of this sentence. This short sentence of five or six words, depending on how you spell “alright” (are they two different words/phrases ‘alright’ vs. ‘all right’?) It is these five or six words […]

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In the Darkness

When I am in a depression, my comfort comes once the sun goes down. The day seems unbearable and so I spend it simply waiting for the darkness. That’s what I did today. I had options to leave my house in the afternoon, but chose not to. Tried to paint, but lost the inspiration once […]

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Break Time

I’ve decided to give myself a little break. No dissertation work, or even thoughts about the dissertation. A dissertation vacation you might say. Why? Because I don’t want to end up in the hospital again, away from my family. Because I don’t want to have a miserable year, caught in a slump that has me […]

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ABD #19: Daily Bread

Hi. It’s been a minute (well five days.) I really wanted this to be every day, not counting weekends, but that’s too much to expect of myself. So it will be regular, but not necessarily daily. And that’s okay (says the reformed perfectionist). The depression has lifted. Thank God. I don’t feel constantly pulled underwater […]

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ABD #10: I Did It

I did it. I stayed out of the bed all day. I worked from 9:15 – 11:15 am. I coded an interview. I’m ready to do the analytical write-up tomorrow. I walked home, turned on some music, and sang from 11:30 – 1:15 pm. I met with my son’s teacher from 1:30 – 2pm, rediscovered […]

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